I am finally starting to feel better and recover from the head cold that I have had all weekend. Yay! Don't you just hate that? We have a rash of cold weather, here in South West Florida, and then just as the weather begins to warm up and the weekend gets here,...a cold takes over and totally destroys the plans that were made for the weekend. Grrr! Well, oh well!
I have this thinking about when I get sick, it seems to be play time for Satan. Really, I am at my weakest and it never fails that I go through a cycle of darkness, we'll call it, when I am down with a cold. First, I get really irrational and start to overreact to situations that I would otherwise be much more composed in. Then I get tremendously emotional which leads into a depressive state, followed by the absolute in ability to stand up against sinful desires! So I imagine by now you are asking your self, "What exactly happened this weekend?" I won't go into detail, but I totally fell on my face and failed. In the midst of it I was kinda appalled at my own behavior and how quickly I succumbed; however, after some time I have come to a few thoughts that I will share.
First of all, I want to say that I did manage to advert some troubles or at least postpone them with praise. You see, being single is really quite difficult! I get lonely, really lonely and even though I have children, and they do help a bit, it is not the same as adult interaction. I was feeling particularly depressive the other day due to the oncoming cold and considering how I just moved, I was missing my friends in Pensacola/Gulf Breeze tremendously! So as I started to feel myself come unraveled at the seams I grabbed my guitar and sat down and thought, "I will not stop playing till I feel better!" It took a little while, and my fingers were a little sore but it had worked! I just kept repeating in my thoughts how I would praise my way through it, and I did. Yay!!!
The second thought I had was from a devotional entry by Oswald Chambers in My Utmost for His Highest. It mentioned that, God doesn't make us give up stuff for the sake of giving up stuff. I got stuck on this because I'm in the middle of the fast right now. I felt that this was a motive check. First, I got caught on that phrase, "God doesn't make us give up stuff". I just found that interesting. You see I decided to do this fast and year with God and have my preconceived ideas about what exactly that meant. I am a planner, some times, well especially when it comes to things I'm gonna do for God. LOL!!! Even as I just typed that, it sounds soooooo ridiculous!!! I know God is just smiling and chuckling about how silly His little girl is in assuming to know anything about what He is doing or what is best for her! I guess it brings me a certain false security to think that I have control over some part of my life! So, I am thinking that this was taking the temperature of my motivation in doing the fast and giving a year to Him. I also think it was to check my motivation for this blog and sharing with you all my struggles. I am not looking for any praise, or anyone to look at my life as anything more that seeing what God can do with taking a truly messed up individual and changing her life into what He desires. If you can look at my life and the things that I write here, and be encouraged in your walk then that is all I desire. I do not profess to be an expert on anything but feel that through taking an honest look at myself, the good, bad and ugly, God will be glorified! Especially in my weakness!
You see, I believe that when I am weak that allows room for God's glory to shine. So yes, in all I do I honor God, especially in my weakness!
Now since failing so miserably this past weekend I am confronted with the question, once again, "If this is truly all about grace, then why am I so concerned with what I am doing?" I believe that sometimes God lets us fall so that we look up and reach up and refocus on Him. Perhaps I was getting too focused on the what I was doing instead of the who I was doing it for. Maybe I was too concerned about what I was doing instead of whom I am seeking.
You see this whole God thing, this whole Bible and Jesus dying on the cross thing, is all about RECONCILIATION, in reality. It is about reconciling people to God and people to each other. Which means that some relationship was broken due to a wrong and through the process of humility, repentance, and forgiveness, restoration can happen. The end result and the achievable goal is just that, restoring what was once lost!
"Lord let my seek you and you alone. Restore the years the locust have eaten in my life and in my relationship with you. Be my strength, all the time, as I explore this weakness called humanity and venture to rest in your arms. My heart longs for the day when I can lay against you and feel your heartbeat as one with mine. Thank you for your love and mercy, for how you protect me and provide for me. Thank you for being willing to say no when I whine and kick against the goads. Thank you for giving me life and my identity as your beloved. Thank you for teaching me what real love is, each and every day. Thank you for not abandoning me and always loving me through my craziness, pain, and sorrow. You are my refuge! I couldn't make it one step without you and I am so sorry for the times when I think I can! You are my life! You are my breath! You are my everything!"