Sunday, January 9, 2011

First day of the fast!

Today was the first day of my 21 day Daniel fast. Many of you may have begun this same type of fast to join your church in a concentration for direction and vision for your local body of believers as well. Individually, in my experience, I have received personal growth during times. I remember hearing a few years ago, that a person starting a fast should have clear cut plans of what they expect or desire from God for this time.

I tend to shutter at that thought because the longer I walk this earth I have realized two things. One thing is that I am totally incapable of making any sort of demands upon the God of the universe. I learned this when I prayed and prayed for my beloved Daniel to be healed from terminal lung cancer. I prayed to the point of making my self sick. Then again when I prayed for God to restore and reconcile my marriage after my second husband walked out. I asked, begged, and pleaded with God but He remained unmoved by my petitions. I am understanding of why He did things the way He did, and in a lot of the cases He was protecting and growing me. Which leads me to the other point, that is that I am a finite and totally unqualified to decide what is best for me. I mean if I had received the prayer of my second marriage being restored or with my husband returning instead of filing for divorce, I would not be me right now. I would be so doped up on antidepressants and constant drinking to anesthetize the fact that whom God created in me was not acceptable in that relationship. In short, it would have totally destroyed me by now if God had not allowed the end of that marriage, but He had to make it so that I would have no say in the matter. You see my ex husband walked out, never said goodbye to the children, just told me how it was, inconsistent with who he was as a person to remain in this marriage! Then he simply left, and refused to speak to me, go to counseling, speak to a pastor, all of it. Then five days before Christmas, I got the petition for divorce. It was one of the most horrific times of my life and I almost did not survive. I guess that is what I look back at now and realize what an unhealthy and immature relationship that truly was! Therefore, who am I to decide what is best for Lori? I have to totally rely upon God, even for the direction of the fast and every moment, really.   He knows it all and owns it all, so why not trust the Author?

So in conclusion, I am trusting God for each step of the journey, and the strength to not only go the right directions but to also take the steps! Especially when due to this fast I could not have my cup of coffee this morning, ugh! But I realized that I only have to think about the fast today and in all actuality, what's 21 days? what's one year? Blessings to you all! Love! ;)

"just remember till you're home again, you belong to me!"

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