Lately I have been going through some changes and wasn’t exactly sure how to formulate my thoughts, but I did hear this song and I just started thinking about my newly restored intimacy with the Lord. You see, I was at the point of hopelessness and really in all honesty did not believe that God loved me. If you have read a few of my blogs then you may remember me expressing my great desire for God to do something that would cause me to marvel at Him. What I didn’t realize at the time, or over the last few years that this was developing within me was in fact, that of the beloved bride desiring the passionate pursuit of her lover. I had felt true intimacy before with both the Lord and with a man. I’m not talking about physical intimacy but of a really “knowing” one another. So I had experienced that in those two relationships previously and now…both were gone.
You know the difficult thing about writing? It’s not so much of the putting thoughts down on paper as much as going back and rereading something I had written previously and thinking, “Wow, I sound like I know it all or like a child” in what I had written. I suppose that could be me being overly critical of myself or perhaps I should take that as a good thing where I can see the growth since penning that writing. While I will usually settle on the latter rather than the former, one thing is true, my understanding of God is ever changing. It’s like life, more of an organism ever changing, always adapting to new circumstances and not really something that you can hold in your hand. Next month my oldest daughter will be moving out and into her very first apartment and because of this our house will be reduced to three, plus the dogs of course. I think it is a great thing for her to leave the nest and move forward with her young adult life; however, it does make it apparent how our lives are always changing. That actually gives me reassurance with my understanding of how quickly things can change because I have learned that I will adapt! That is certain!
I heard a Bible teacher, Malcolm Smith who was teaching on the prayer of Jabez and he emphasized the point that the problem with Jabez was that he was given the promise of God’s blessing; however, refused to receive it because of the circumstances he had been handed. He believed for the blessing for his friends and family but not himself. That sounded so very much like me! In fact, over the last year I don’t know how many times I have told others of how I could believe for a miracle for them but not something good for myself in my own life! Ha! Just call me Jabez!
So that was me, hopeless and loveless and just about that time the local church I had been attending was starting a teaching series on hope, so of course I was going to go! The most amazing, eye opening began that Sunday morning. As my Pastor, Randy Bezet began to speak it was amazing how timely this message was because, I kid you not, so many questions that I had spoke and thought that week, came out in his teaching. At one point it became so uncanny that I laughed out loud! Then one of those epiphany moments came, you know when the light bulb goes on above your head! When my pastor said he had had a similar time of not feeling God loved him so he just asked God to show him. You could almost hear the “click” over my head when he said it. You see I had forgotten one of the most simple guidelines of living this Christian life, it’s the, “show me I’m from Missouri” understanding, as I like to call it, of if God said it and you are not experiencing it or are struggling with it then ask Him to make it real to you. Needless to say, when I got home I immediately asked God saying, “You say in your word that you love me but I am just not getting that so I need you to show me how much you love me Lord!” I have got to tell you that ever since I did that, He has been showing me. Not to say that my inner skeptic has not made appearances too, but God has explicitly put his signature on His demonstrations of love for me. A lot of it has been through you, those who read my blogs and respond with support, encouragement, and love. I am truly blessed that you would take the time to read this blog and then to respond or to pray for me, that makes me feel tremendously blessed, loved, and appreciated! So,…thank you!
I also came to the realization that I had to let go of the guy. I had to come to the conclusion that I was unable to remain friends with him and had to let go. It was not easy; however, the next day I felt a tremendous weight was lifted and clarity had finally come. I was quickly reminded by Holy Spirit that, “until you let go of something that’s not so great, from you hand, it can not be filled with something great!”. That is really when the clouds seemed to lift and the sunshine shown through! I began to trust God again! I realized that, once again, feelings had taken the wheel in my thought processes and selfish desires were at work. I had to remind myself that He is God and I am not. He knows what the future holds and what is hidden in the heart of man. I don’t know what people are capable of but God knows. I am resigned to not know why things happen the way they do or why I end up hurting so often, but I do realize that if God loves me like He says He does in the word, then He is working on my behalf for my best interests! I don’t know what would happen with that certain man but God knows. Maybe he would have ended up abusive, or perhaps a relationship with him might have hindered my ministry? But I do know, that God knows and He will not let the world overtake me, it may knock me around with it’s circumstances and down to the ground with tragedies but they will not destroy me! I am His and one day I will be going home!
Saying all this to say that the clouds have passed and I can see sunshine again. Some of you have been concerned and I appreciate it, but rest assured that I am doing quite well,...now! lol! I have a restored hope in God and every morning I read Jeremiah 29:11 and believe that God has plans for a future for me! I am cautiously moving towards ministry opportunities too and somewhere inside I know that He will rebuild my faith with each step of the journey. I have a great sense of excitement when visioning towards the future as to what God has planned coupled with a bit of cautioning insecurity knowing that it will be all Him doing it because it’s too impossible for me. “Lord have your way!” Eeeeek! ;-)